Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin
cswallow

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Rain, like my soul, falls on leaves to the ground

Some days I feel so plagued with self-doubt that I hardly know what to do with myself. My life, from a distance, seems so perfect: I've just been given the internship that I've been seeking for the past four years. I have an amazing family - parents and a brother who love me. I have the best boyfriend a girl could ever hope for. I have incredible friends who are out doing incredible things.

But I can't shake it some days. Every time I get back a C paper, a C article, I wonder what it is I'm doing here. You know, I thought that this Magazine Writing class, finally would be my chance to shine. This is it, I thought, no more news writing, I can finally be the writer I was meant to be. But I can't find my niche there. It's like nothing clicks - I feel like I don't even know how to write anymore. There's no passion in it.
I've dropped the ball almost completely on Last Lectures, and am trying now to begin to pick up the pieces.

I miss home so much. The weather here is beautiful - the thunderstorms, the sun, but even the smell of wet earth only reminds me of redwood forests, and the feel of sunlight brings back memories of camping trips, being stretched out on warm rocks while Dad fishes.

I miss Bonnie a lot. We hardly talk, now. We're both so busy, but I wish I had her presence and her constant friendship here with me. I miss just being able to sit around with her, eating a snack outside, going to starbuck's, driving around.

What is it that's come over me so many times? It's like I can't go a week without it recurring. I don't know that it's necessarily all the work, or the lack of sleep. There's something in me that I just keep struggling with. I wish I had confidence in myself again. Do I need more companionship? Maybe. I think about that a lot too. I've never before wanted a quarter to be over so badly. I feel like a 10 year old. All I want is to be back with my family, I can't wait to go on vacation with them and to feel like myself again.
The only thing I can do is to keep telling myself to suck it up. But how much do grades matter? What do they tell you about yourself, or what you're good at or what you love? Anything? And if they mean nothing, then why do they mean so much to me?
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