Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin
cswallow

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I guess this is a new beginning, after all

I haven't written in a while, mostly because I haven't really felt like it.

This quarter, I would like to concentrate on my schoolwork, mostly. Last year, fall quarter, I absolutely threw myself into my studies, and was rewarded with a spot on the Dean's List. Well I'm only taking three classes this quarter, but I'd like to hit As in all of them if it is within my capacity as a person. I remember having made this "resolution" when I was in Sevilla. I'm sure it was one of the times when I was walking through the park, with the sunshine all around me, feeling perfectly at peace. Even then I recognized that dreams don't last forever, and when I got back to NU I'd have to start facing up to my "real life." Well here I am, and suddenly all the grades and work matter again - more than anything I want to be placed at a really good Teaching Magazine site in the spring.

I guess there's a secondary goal too - which is to keep myself connected to the people here at NU who I care about, and to forge stronger connections with those people who I'm just started to get to know. I think BLAST definitely falls into this category. Of course I dance because I absolutely adore it, but in BLAST I've found a group of wonderful friends, and being around them makes me happy. It's like double dosage of joy: dance and good people.

What I need to do most is to brush aside any kind of feelings of depression or loneliness that I've been feeling. Dammit, I have a job to do! Why was it that I was able to convince myself I didn't need anyone else when I was in Sevilla? It's because I really don't. I know that self-confidence is still in me, I've just got to make sure of it. It's so easy, being back in a familiar place, to fall into the emotions and way of acting that I used to have here. I feel like I was smaller then, and that's no longer me.

Indeed, all this is sounding rather ambitious. I mean, who wouldn't want to have the perfect grades and perfect social life? Well, reminding myself of the mindset it takes to get close is the entire point of this entry.
To truly remember Sevilla, I must remember me as I know I am: bolder, unafraid, riskier and in love with life.
but first, breakfast!
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