Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin
cswallow

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Ingenue

*this entry inspired by Skittles*


Swirling snow and the yellow glow of light make me feel soft and mysterious. I've interrupted my studying; I cannot be held by it.

I think somewhere in the world everything is making sense, until I realize that the somewhere is in me. It's time to stop asking "why?" and just let it be.

My mind wanders constantly now to the future. I forget where I am: I break appointments, I forget my schedule, I trip on things. Everything is suddenly a path to where I am going, and fewer and fewer things hold me here. Tonight is the last real night of dance, my classes end today (except for finals), and when my parents leave on Sunday they will depart with a suitcase full of my things.

Walk the sidewalks here, where things feel too small for me. Up there, in weeks to come, I will be throwing myself into the flames, a place where there's nothing to lose, where every mistake is acceptable. In that world there are no grades, nothing will limit how great I can be.

This Saturday I will say good-bye to a woman who, through more than just blood, has given me strength and taught me what it means to love. To be loved. I have no regrets toward her, I was everything I could have been at the time. It is enough.
I've been asked to speak some words about her, and I think I'm beginning to understand the things I have to say.

I gaze outward into the silvery square of window, everything whirling and falling. Here is what I feel: my smallness, my greatness. At the end of infinite time, nobody will remember my failures. But today, every triumph can bring me happiness.

Fear? I cast it aside.
All that's left is me then, but me in the embrace of a thousand people and things, like snow, all heading toward the same end. I can dance and I can be beautiful, and in the crisp cool air, I find my peace.
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