Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin
cswallow

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Indeed

Well, I have to go teach in about an hour - my last Ballroom Sampler class of the quarter. Thank goodness. No offense to my students, and they all should know that I love them dearly, but I'm ready to reclaim my Tuesday nights.

I'm actually feeling decent today because I got 7 whopping hours of sleep last night, with only a slight interruption that was my suitemates being loud outside my door. Normally I don't say anything but for some reason I remember being really pissed off at the fact that I had been woken up at 3:20. Ah well.

But on to the real reason I'm journaling, which is that I have a gnawing emotion that I have to express.

Lately I've been painfully aware of how many male friends I have that I keep just at arm's reach. I'm not really okay with it.. it feels odd to me. I don't know how to act anymore when people get any closer than that; I cut it off before I have to deal with it. I feel scarred and misused. There was a time I believed that I could get along with many people, just so long as they were kind to me and a good person. But now that's not how it is anymore. I'm looking for some deep connection with someone but I can't get over this coldness inside. There isn't a day when it isn't on my mind, and when it doesn't hurt.

I don't stop trying though. I most enjoy the times when I can sit down to lunch or dinner with people who I've known for many years, with whom the boundaries have been drawn and are clear. Who don't ask me for anything more than I can give. It's those times that I'm most relaxed, that I feel I don't have to try so hard to find the connection, that I can be utterly silly and know that they'll understand. Or if they don't, at least they'll laugh at me. But they're few, and far between. Mostly I feel on the edge of a thread, expecting some resolution that I can't make. Maybe that's what I like about classes so much, or dancing. Those are specific interactions, and I know what to expect.

I've had this concern before; it feels familiar, and it's one that I've gotten over before. But lately it feels worse. I want something steadier - to either give it all up or to put everything into one person again. The way things are going, I'm thinking I ought to just give it all up :P

Anyway, enough depressiveness out of me. I know my class tonight will make me feel better.
Tags: about cs, ballroom, friendship, northwestern
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