Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin
cswallow

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Direction

This past week has been a really interesting one, spent trying to figure out a recovery plan from the fact that the competition was finally over. I spent the first three days of the week feeling really mopish and half-desperate for some kind of companionship, wanting to be near someone, ANYONE if only so that I wouldn't feel like I was sitting alone. Itwas a really odd feeling, especially given my usual independence and lack of desire to be emotionally attached to anyone. I felt so out of control, as if I no longer had anything I was working toward. I couldn't stand the alone-time.

I'm much better now. I'm excited about being able to hang out with lots of different people every night, and spend more time with the Loft.
My entire day yesterday was excellent, actually. Aside from my failed attempt to get a refund on my textbook at Norris that is. I just woke up feeling so refreshed and really happy with my life. I felt like I had control of myself again, as if some kind of veil had been lifted and I could see all the people around me clearly again. For a while I thought that I might be able to play the field a little, take advantage of my single-ness. Recently though I realized that I can't. Some emotions just can't be changed, and I have some pretty strong feelings about the way that people respect or don't respect each other in a relationship that I'm sticking to.
What this means, I think, is that I'm looking forward to making new friends and strengthening my existing friendships much much more than I'm looking for a relationship.

Last night the Loft went to Mount Everest together, and we had SUCH a great time. I swear, the people around us were like "what the..?" because we were laughing so hard and loudly. If they came for a quiet meal, they were certainly disappointed. The food was amazing - and it was all thanks to Robert, who treated us with the earnings from his Hearst award. We all made new goals for the quarter too, whether it be to stop being so mean, to start doing the dishes, or mine, which was to start coming out of my room more often to partake in Loft-discussions.

My exciting news of the week is that Milton is back! I went to talk to my professor from last quarter and pick up my final paper, and we got to talking about it and he said he was really impressed by it and that if I wanted to double its length and do a significant amount of research, that it could be a candidate to submit to an academic journal on Milton studies. Sooo cool. I'm really excited about this opportunity, and I do need a new goal to work toward. I've never done this kind of an intensive project before that's so academic, and I think it'll be really good for me. I'd love to submit it as an undergraduate, so I'd have to do it in the next 8 weeks or so. The professor said he would love to work with me on it, and I think this is an opportunity that I should not pass up.

Now I have direction again, I've found my center again as well. I'm also starting to solidify my plans for the summer and beyond. I need to work on my job applications, but I've decided that I want to drive across and around the country beforehand, making lots of stops in National Parks. Planning that trip will also be one of my projects for this quarter.

Lately I've had so much more brainpower to just spend on thinking. I've begun to run lines of prose in my head again, new ways to describe the quality of the light, the way tree branches arch against the sky, the slow budding of spring. I know I still have a long way to go, but it's as if I'm opening myself again to the possibilities of what I can be. I don't think I'm cut out to just be a journalist - there are other avenues waiting to challenge me and expand my skills in ways I've never imagined. I'm hungry to see what they will reveal. Actually, I think I'm just hungry. It's time to find some food...
Tags: about cs, ballroom, friendship, northwestern, writing
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