Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin
cswallow

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squandered

I went to sleep very late last night, around 4:30. I don't know why.. I was hungry and I made food, and watched When Harry Met Sally, and then went to sleep. Woke up at 9:30 to get Heidi from the kennel around 10:30. She was soo happy to see me. Granted, it was nice to not have to take care of her for a while, but having her in the passenger side seat with me driving home made me feel ridiculously pleased.

I still can't figure out what happened to the rest of my day. I talked to Jack online for several hours, fell asleep on the living room rug, and moved back to my bed around 3 pm. Slept, drifting in and out of sleep, woke twice briefly when Ravi and then Janet called, went back to sleep. It all felt so surreal. Once when I awoke all I could see what that the leaves outside my window looked golden, as if they were coursing with the palest amber. When I opened my eyes next the fiery orange ball of the sun was sitting just above the roofline of the house behind us, and the rays were streaming outward through the silhouetted trees. I finally awoke at 6:30 to dusk, made myself get up to walk Heidi.

The feeling that I had lost an entire day of sunlight pervaded me. I couldn't stand it. I felt as though I had lost control of something vital, some kind of priority or self-respect. It was such an odd emotion. But it was such a beautiful evening - I still can't believe how warm it is outside. It feels like an early summer evening instead of a mid-fall one. But I felt so achingly lonely inside, and I couldn't figure out why. Like I had lost something dear to me. For some reason, I missed Evanston madly. Maybe not so much Evanston itself, but being in school, being able to come back to my suitemates to talk about my day, to study and work seriously on something academic and useful. To be focused on something other than how to get to my next dance practice, or what I was going to do on the weekend to fill the hours.

My relief, when I walked into my driveway to find my brother washing his car, to come into the house to find Julia playing piano, is indescribable. There is no substitute for my family. And somehow, when I needed their presence the most, the presence of people who I love and trust, Robert and Julia were here. Funny how that works out. I'm currently eating pasta, and contemplating a shower and tidying my room/the house a little bit. I miss having people near with whom I don't need to think about anything, but just be myself all the time.

It's funny isn't it, that my mood should switch so quickly from the heady bliss of my workweek and into the much more difficult hours of the weekend. The weekend is supposed to be for relaxing, but I find that it simply gives me more time to think about things that I don't find it enjoyable to contemplate. Well, that's enough with me feeling uncomfortable about life :P I'm going to finish my pasta now.
Tags: about cs, family, movies, relationships
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