Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin
cswallow

  • Mood:

all wrong

Lately I've been feeling all wrong. I mean, really wrong. like.. almost every choice I'm making about my time and my life and about the people around me is one of wrongness. M-W.com defines the word "wrong" as "an injurious, unfair, or unjust act : action or conduct inflicting harm without due provocation or just cause." They also use the word "wrong" in their next to definitions of "wrong" which shouldn't be allowed, but that's a different gripe.

I don't know what I do lately, I'm unsure of what I love and how to incorporate those things into my life. Experiences, like backpacking or hiking, that should give me great release and immense pleasure, instead generate a sense of unrest and fear. There are moments, moments in which I feel connected to this world I live in, in which I understand who I am in the smallest of fleeting instances.

For me, someone who has always known her desires and the direction (if not the path) that she has wanted it to take, I find this ever-growing feeling of "wrong" to be unsettling at the most base level. My hypothesis is that this "wrong" feeling arises from some part of my life, but then spreads like a disease to all the rest. I've begun to probe every piece, testing it for weakness, for the seed of my unrest. But I know not where it lies, and as I search I begin to unravel the weaves that I have spent so much time building.

Is this good? Is it bad? It is hard. It affects all. Maybe I'm just being dramatic (too much "Dune"?) but I can't find myself and for the first time in my life I'm scared of the future.
Tags: about cs, leadership
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