Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin
cswallow

Cognizance

Leaves begin to crumble off the trees, and cold weather has set in. As the world begins its slow, cyclic dying, I finally come up for air. It is the slow pull of wakefulness. I happily drag everyone around me into helping me find my goals again.

Norm tells me to apply for anything in conservation that even interests me in the slightest, because I can never know where it might take me. I make the drive to Charlotte again, and it's becoming a habit. Dima tells me this week, "From the minute you walked in the door you looked different. More mature. And you're dancing differently.. it is amazing how much you changed from two weeks ago." And I realize that I am, indeed, become cognizant of my own style -- not only in dance, but in the way I interact with and lead people, in the way I am living. I tell him about my big dance goals, and we set milestones and plans. I like the feel of it - solid, concrete. I could build something on a foundation like that.

I am sleep deprived but my skin tingles, as blood does flowing tide-like into cold-nipped fingers. I've been eating smoothies and a big dinner every day.  Finally, I am working on the strength of my mind and emotion, even as I push my body toward strength. In ballet I work my toes and ankles and legs, finding a surprising suppleness and length.

Amongst all this, I try to be vulnerable, to allow myself to feel deeply and sweetly. I still don't have clarity - and I know many of my classmates and friends don't either. All I can say is, talk about it, share it.. and slowly you will begin to feel yourself again.
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