Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin
cswallow

What Fits

I've been so head-down, half-heart-torn, and harried these past weeks. Today is the first day that I feel like I am seeing without the dust of my own speed swirling around me. Can it be true that the leaves are half-changed? I feel thrown down into this world of amber and rust, spun out of something like lightness.

I make notes in the margins of all my notebooks on the things to write about later. When to find the time, other than this single morning when I somehow found myself without enough time to study and somehow enough to come scribble here. Those of my classmates who have not yet found jobs have begun to realize themselves inside the process of networking, recruiting, disappointment. One said to me last week, her eyes bright, "I finally realized I should find the job that fits me, instead of fitting myself to someone else's job."

I've been thinking about her advice. Still no way to meld the insatiable urge to dance with the overwhelming drive to work in conservation. Nemo tells me, "you can have everything, just not at the same time." I think he meant I ought to work in series, on the scale of years. But why not work in the scale of months, or weeks, or days. Why not seriously pursue dance and teaching, and also make work for myself in something else I love?   So I start to think about how I can make myself a business, and suddenly everything I am doing becomes skillful again. Here is the meaning I have been searching for.

Maybe not now, but if (and when) I start my own "thing," I don't want to look back and say, "I wish I had..."

I'm going to make the most of this time.

Clarity comes from strange places. Perhaps for me it came from a conversation with an ex, from asking for, and receiving gently, the truth of the past. From deep understanding, apology and at last - an acceptance of the apology, and an understanding that sometimes we wrong each other when that was truly our last intention. And for me, learning that I truly can forgive. When I met my great-aunt in Shanghai last summer, I saw myself in her - in the length of my memory of past injustices. In my refusal to forget. I will not be to be my great-aunt, holding on to the bitterness for decades.

There is much uncertainty on the path ahead. Risk, and the possibility of pain: in love and career both. But finally I am open-eyed, approaching this day with a clear head and a spirit that is ready to receive joy.
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