Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin
cswallow

Missings

Back in Durham for the weekend, with the sensation of living on someone else's time. Last night I had my first taste of "real" winter in the form of sleet that quickly made ice trays out of every flat surface in town. Visiting friends, going to Duke's now-canceled kickoff celebration of "50 years of Black Students at Duke", even going to the grocery store for ice cream - all bets were off. So instead we stayed in, Ben doing homework, me finishing up work then just puttering.

This morning the same, and I try to count my blessings. I am grateful for the smooth taste of my coffee, the hiss of traffic on the sand-strewn road, the clean air. At my doctor's appointment yesterday I was startled to find that my weight has dropped significantly since two months ago. We worked on a plan for how I can put the pounds back on. More red meat, she told me, more calorie-rich snacks, high-energy and nutrient dense, just...more. She also said that one fast food meal a week wouldn't hurt me.

It is always a little bit odd for me to be back in Durham, to know the network of its roads so well that I don't need to think about where I'm going in order to end up there. And yet I feel impermanent. Once I moved in to my apartment in New York, I realized how little I ever truly accepted Durham as my home. I never put pictures up on my walls, never made it home-like. In New York, I feel grounded and stable, permanent. When I'm back in Durham, I feel like a visitor. And with sadness, I realize that I've always felt that way.

I received my Jake Parker Kickstarter book in the mail yesterday. It's beautiful, and full of the whimsical storylines that I love best in these types of short comic stories. If you haven't checked out his work before, I highly recommend it!

This afternoon I promised to help Ben process his samples (aka take tape off of pieces of coarse woody debris, aka something I got roped into because I actually have fingernails ;). Hoping for some coffee shop reunions later, weather permitting. Is it really Saturday already? I've only had two days off, and already I miss the dance studio, I miss being home. I feel grey and tempered in this snow-strewn landscape, I feel I misunderstand myself.
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