Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin

I got a fortune cookie yesterday that said "You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy." I kind of looked at it and went "do I?"
Those little cookie messages aren't supposed to really be taken seriously, but I often do, and in this case I feel like if I tried harder to be a better, kinder, and more helpful person, I'd be much happier with myself. I often need reminders like that, just to keep my feet on the ground.

The weekend went by quickly for me - there was much consumption of meat in large quantities, and also a decent amount of hiking. I drove parts of Skyline Boulevard twice, and went up to SF once. Ben showed me around his ship, which was pretty neat. I felt proud to be able to accompany an officer around and grateful to be given a glimpse into a day in the life of the Navy. I've been thinking a lot since he left about the friendships in my life. There are times when I'm acutely aware of what each of my relationships has been and is now becoming. I find that at this point in my life (and perhaps it's always been this way) I much prefer to have near me the kinds of people whom I'd give my life for, who aren't afraid to share their own lives with me, than any sort of boyfriend.

When I look down that road toward the hazy nothingness that I have to pull my future out of, I still see myself as a wanderer, someone who has a hundred things to do before she wants to settle down with anybody. That's the lone-wolf part of me speaking, the person who likes to see museums and plays on my own, and who doesn't mind wandering a city by herself all day. At the same time, I've always seen myself eventually settling down to have a family, to putting my own desires on hold in order to devote all my attention and energy to raising a family, to being a wife and a mother. I think if I really thought I'd found the right person to be with, I'd let go of everything else I've ever said about what I want to be with that man.
My mom always says there's a point at which you find someone, and you love them so much that your goals for yourself are no longer just yours, the goal is to make the choices that will make your relationship last. It's a terrifying state of being for me, being utterly dependent on someone else. It may be a long while before I can do it.

Have I said all this stuff before? Sometimes I feel like I'm repeating myself, only with another layer of complexity over it, and I'm not sure whether that's annoying or not :P

At any rate, today should be a nicely busy day. Things are working out in my head at last.
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