Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin

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If you don't want to read a sappy entry you can stop right now.

So I just read this in Bons' Xanga, which she stole from someone else's blog. Go internet.
""Loving isn't just a fuzzy, warm feeling. It's the sacrifices that we will make for people. It's the urge to protect them from that which will hurt them. It's forgiving them regardless of how much their actions may ever hurt you. It's understanding how they tick and realizing that you would love them less if they didn't have those imperfections that can sometimes drive you nuts but most of the time just make knowing them that much more interesting. It's being able to do all of these things wholeheartedly, unrestricted. It's doing all of these things while accepting the effects in can have on you.

Maybe as individuals, our ability to love deeply rests upon that. Maybe some people can't love deeply or as deeply as others because they are restricting themselves from doing so. Maybe they are scared to feel so much.

The more you love someone, the more painful it is when they hurt you. And sometimes, I wonder why, knowing this, we open ourselves up to others at all."

This, combined with the fact that I went to see Gluck's Orfeo ed Euridice tonight with Steph and Kevin has got me in a bit of a sappy funk.
Of course there's other contributing factors too, but to detail them all would be, I fear, transcending the personal-public boundary of LJ :o)
At any rate, it's one of those nights when I think about all the lovely people I know and have in my life. And I feel really, really grateful for all of them. Sometimes I listen to other peoples' conversations - in class, in the dining hall, on the El, and some of them are so ridiculously petty and mean. I hurt for the people they talk about, and I hurt for them and their unwillingness to give others the benefit of the doubt. And I get to thinking about my friends and the people I know. They're good people, flawed as we all are, but with good hearts, people who give others opportunities.
Last night, amid the girls dancing on poles and men slobbering over them, I found myself with a group of people who were at the club not to pick up on other people but to have a good time. To bust it out with people who don't care if you "can dance" or not, but only care if you'll laugh at each other and step up.
I'm so, so fortunate to have these people in my life, and I don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate and won't be able to see them on a regular basis anymore.

I guess I'm also realizing that it isn't so much that I'm scared to let people within arm's reach as the fact that I feel uncertain about my future. I wonder.. how can I give myself to someone if I don't even know whether or not we'll be able to be together in three months? I'm beginning to realize that this is a silly question.
Some of this stems off of the NU competition planning I'm doing, which is starting to take it out of me. I'm only vaguely excited about it now. I can't bring myself to work on it some days. Some days I just want to quit. But I can't. What I really need is a new start, I need to jump into something with energy and excitement, to feel refreshed and invigorated. And the more I get to know some people, the stronger I feel.
Those people, well, I hope they know who they are. Strengthen me, give me your faith and your hearts. All my friends, you are such amazing people, so full of love and hope. Thank you for helping me to not hold back anymore.
Tags: friendship, leadership, northwestern, opera, relationships, shows and plays
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