Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin

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In it

I feel like I've been in it all week. What does being "In it" mean exactly? It must have something to do with the fact that everyday I've opened this page to update my journal, only to find that I never felt like writing, nor like thinking about what I'd been doing (a necessary part of writing). Every once in a while I get like this, when I'm so busy and so crazy and throwing myself into everything that I find I'm too busy living to think about living. That's what being "in it" is.

For the first time since I got hired at Google, I feel like I'm taking charge of my career. I'm throwing out ideas, and my managers are encouraging me. I'm excited to be working on my own projects, to have a solid set of key goals for Q4, to have so much to do that I HAVE to work all day to get it done. I love it. I'm still learning everyday about how to make things work better, streamlining processes, making changes wherever I can. I'm really in it at work; I'm still not really contributing to meetings very much, but I think that will happen eventually.

My dance partner is finally back from his vacation in Asia, which means we're back to practicing. This makes me very happy; we had a pretty intense lesson today and are planning to continue ramping it up until our first competition on November 18. Which, by the way, you are all invited to should you wish to see me dance:
We'll be dancing silver level Standard, and probably the nightclub dances as well :o)

Part of this "in it"-ness emerges from the fact that I've been getting 6 hours of sleep every night. Which is SO not enough. I need at least 7.5-8 to not feel tired. But the thing is, when you feel tired its really hard to multitask, and if working ison the forefront of your mind, you pretty much just plow through everything. Maybe not as well as you woul dhave done it had you been awake, but it's getting done! The worst part of this sleeplessness is that it's been completely my fault. I've been coming home to walk Heidi, to play piano, to stay up just to feel what its like to be awake. The other day I was walking Heidi, and for the first time in months, I felt I was truly seeing the world. The leaves on every branch were so brilliant and textured, and I stared at them as they passed me. It seemed like the light was reflecting off of every particle in the air; everything my eyes lit upon sparkled and turned. How funny that this feeling comes and goes so quickly. I wonder sometimes if its certain events in my life that set this off, certain people that I'm talking to, books that I'm reading. But I don't think it is; I think its just that in the natural cycle of being busy, and relaxing, and being busy again, that your mind is able to put itself toward one thing, then another. We should never expect to be stable, to feel the same way about the same things all the time. The very act of living is one of balancing moments, balancing emotions. If they did not flourish and soften as they do, how dull our minds would appear!

I feel so much the passing of the days, the strength of my own youth, the possiblities of each day. I feel my heart quicken, even though my eyes and mind are weary from a busy week. The world is such a beautiful place; changing and melting and moving. Such joy lies in everyday, I hardly know what to do with it. It isn't just fulfillment at work, or the morning sun in my eyes, the daily conversations with Jack, baked goods from friends, or glasses of wine while reading Brothers K. It's all of these things, drinking them deeply, moving over and over toward it all and believing that even the most mundane, everyday things can become special.
Tags: about cs, ballroom, business, google, pets
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