Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin

  • Mood:

all wrong

Lately I've been feeling all wrong. I mean, really wrong. like.. almost every choice I'm making about my time and my life and about the people around me is one of wrongness. defines the word "wrong" as "an injurious, unfair, or unjust act : action or conduct inflicting harm without due provocation or just cause." They also use the word "wrong" in their next to definitions of "wrong" which shouldn't be allowed, but that's a different gripe.

I don't know what I do lately, I'm unsure of what I love and how to incorporate those things into my life. Experiences, like backpacking or hiking, that should give me great release and immense pleasure, instead generate a sense of unrest and fear. There are moments, moments in which I feel connected to this world I live in, in which I understand who I am in the smallest of fleeting instances.

For me, someone who has always known her desires and the direction (if not the path) that she has wanted it to take, I find this ever-growing feeling of "wrong" to be unsettling at the most base level. My hypothesis is that this "wrong" feeling arises from some part of my life, but then spreads like a disease to all the rest. I've begun to probe every piece, testing it for weakness, for the seed of my unrest. But I know not where it lies, and as I search I begin to unravel the weaves that I have spent so much time building.

Is this good? Is it bad? It is hard. It affects all. Maybe I'm just being dramatic (too much "Dune"?) but I can't find myself and for the first time in my life I'm scared of the future.
Tags: about cs, leadership
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