I don't know what I do lately, I'm unsure of what I love and how to incorporate those things into my life. Experiences, like backpacking or hiking, that should give me great release and immense pleasure, instead generate a sense of unrest and fear. There are moments, moments in which I feel connected to this world I live in, in which I understand who I am in the smallest of fleeting instances.
For me, someone who has always known her desires and the direction (if not the path) that she has wanted it to take, I find this ever-growing feeling of "wrong" to be unsettling at the most base level. My hypothesis is that this "wrong" feeling arises from some part of my life, but then spreads like a disease to all the rest. I've begun to probe every piece, testing it for weakness, for the seed of my unrest. But I know not where it lies, and as I search I begin to unravel the weaves that I have spent so much time building.
Is this good? Is it bad? It is hard. It affects all. Maybe I'm just being dramatic (too much "Dune"?) but I can't find myself and for the first time in my life I'm scared of the future.