To be fair, he's probably right. As he very gently told me that I simply wasn't as dedicated as I used to be, I was thinking that he wasn't telling me anything I didn't already know. The year and a half that's passed since I left BLAST, I felt increasing the pressure to be competitive, to win, to take more lessons, to prove to the top coaches that I was dedicated so that I'd be taken seriously. To buy a thousand dollar dress, keep my hair just the right length, buy hundreds of dollars of make-up. And I passively rebelled. Whereas I used to put up with it for the thrill of competing, I found more and more that I just don't have my heart in it.
The funny thing is that when I was really part of a solid group of dancers with BLAST, I gladly put 14 hours a week into dancing. I wanted to teach, choreograph, perform, anything to have that happiness and to share it. But lately, I can barely muster up enough enthusiasm to go social dancing and really truly enjoy it like I used to. Sometimes in rare moments, I find it again, that total freedom couple with such pleasure in the music that you glow with joy. I miss that so much. Maybe Ivan and I could dance together again sometime, I don't know, but I think this in years I will be glad this happened. I need a chance to see why I love dancing, maybe just go out social dancing for a while, relearn Argentine Tango, take some group classes and meet some people.
I know I'm not done with dance. The feelings that dancing used to give me, the memory of those feelings, is too strong to ignore. But I do know that I have many other things to concentrate on, to learn and be a part of, and I think I'm ready for that.