The last couple of days have brought an engagement of a full and complete range of emotions. From anger and love, to sadness and relief.
I won't go into all of them, but here are the noteworthy moments:
Tuesday night Derrick and I danced a round (1 minute, 30 seconds each of the 5 standard dances) for our coach. We got our butts kicked like we knew we would. Now though, the task has been laid out before us. I'm more pumped up about my own dancing than I've been since I first started.
It's time to take the ring, Frodo Baggins!
I also found out that my latin teacher, Tsha, will no longer be coming up north to teach in the Bay Area. Even though I haven't had a regular partner in the time that I've been taking lessons with her, her logical and thorough coaching style always made sense to me. I'm really going to miss her.
Decision: I can either find a new coach, or move my latin dance resources (time, $$) to standard.
Last night, So You Think You Can Dance ran me through pleasure, sadness, joy. Katee and Joshua's incredibly raw, rich piece struck me speechless. The judges said it: it was powerful because of the honesty in their dancing. I'm a believe that to some extent, we all "fake it" in our day-to-day lives. It can feel downright natural when you know the expectations of the people who are around you. Some feelings have no place at work, or at home, or with a loved one. But I struggle sometimes still to be truly honest.
Goal for the rest of my life: Find the courage to let my heart show.
And then, familiar frustration. I'm taking the GRE on August 23 - not because I want to change my job, but just.. so it's there if I ever want to go to graduate school. Verbal is a breeze for me. But Math...
It all started with 6th grade accelerated math. Worst in the class ever. Enough said.
Later, with the help of a math tutor, made it to honors algebra for my sophomore year of high school. Note: If you've done reasonably well in all your classes, it becomes hard to accept when you are a complete loser at something. It took a lot of failing and temper tantrums before I just acknowledged that i was probably always going to suck and I better learn how to deal with it.
Finally, I learned to accept the fails, the Ds, the Cs (see, my grades got better) and worked with a math tutor and my parents to get better. I still sucked, but not as much. Come to today. Here I am, burning my behind in algebra hell. Last night I took a GRE practice test. I got more wrong than I got right AND I didn't finish the section. *sigh*
I'm much less afraid of being stupid now, I can admit when I need to work on something, and I won't think about, I'll just do it. This can be a useful trait.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Lately I've thrilled at the cast of light outside, let my release of emotion turn the music up and the wheels spin faster over the freeway. My blood runs faster and stronger. I'm not where I want to be, but I can feel the power of myself stirring, my heart singing..
My car is ready. I bring you a Chinese phrase that's my motto for the month "jia you" - you say it when you are cheering someone on to a greater goal. it means literally, "add oil." ADD OIL!