Jennifer A. Chin (cswallow) wrote,
Jennifer A. Chin

The Doubts of Happiness

I feel my emotions swing. C and I have long, thoughtful, and focused practices, until we both run out of calories to burn. When I get home I'm so happy that all I can do is worry whether I'm going to do something, say something, be something, that will f*ck it all up. Can we be good enough? Will we be good enough? How long will the happiness last? I'm brought low with doubt.

Which is entirely silly. The only reason I feel this way is because I'm experienced enough to know how good we've got it, and because I know that all things eventually come to an end. And so, each moment is precious. Getting into dance hold is a joyful prayer. Movement together is exhilaration. And I am grateful every day for all the moments that led up to this - the years practicing (mostly) on my own and working with Dima, all that hard work with Anton, the moments that C's coach saw me dance, and then came up to me in the dressing room and asked me if I was looking for a partner.

When I was working full-time, I felt somehow in control of my career and destiny. I could guarantee myself certain outcomes by acting in specific ways. With dancing, this has never been the case. The past year has humbled me. Sometimes hard work pays off, and sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the stars align, but not always. Being talented won't suffice. I have to be lucky, too.

In the meantime, the days run out of space. The laundry piles up and paper stacks grow while I work, dance, cook, eat, sleep. I come back from practice so fired up and full of information that I'm buzzing. I squeeze in conversations with Dora, with Ben, then work until I fall asleep with my laptop. Now I remember why I stopped writing! Living a good life is exhausting.
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